Confessions of a (Reforming) Workaholic

Unless one is a genius, one does not get a Ph.D. in engineering without working really hard.

I am not a genius, so yes, I worked hard.  In graduate school.  In undergraduate.  In high school.  In our home, having multiple children.

Working hard and getting stuff done makes me feel accomplished and worthwhile. I have spent years and years working on realizing that my value is based on WHO I AM, not WHAT I DO.

I've had seasons where I was laid up.  The last was a year ago post emergency hysterectomy.  I sat around for weeks recovering from major surgery. I really didn't struggle too much with self image at that point because yes, I had been cut open and an organ removed and there were minor complications so it made sense I would be weak and unable to do much.

Well, I'm sick with this stupid little illness, and last night I had dream after dream after dream of trying to get my kids to the airport for a nebulous flight whose departure time I did not know.  In the dream, things kept going wrong.  Alarm clocks didn't go off, I couldn't find shoes, I had one kid run away from me and get on a random bus.

There is a correlation. When I feel frustrated because of sickness, I feel out of control.  When I feel out of control, I have dreams like this one.

So, deep breaths, deep breaths.

I have minor asthma which flares ONLY during illnesses.  My minor asthma has flared up the last few days. I know that trying to power through asthma just makes it worse.  (I have very unpleasant memories of the Kendig swine flu epidemic of 2009, when asthma kept me confined to bed for almost 3 full weeks.)

So I need to rest.  But is super frustrating because I've got stuff to do.  But if I push too hard, I will not recover as well and might indeed get worse.

So yeah.

Working hard is a good thing.  Being chronically lazy is not healthy. BUT being a workaholic isn't good either.

Psalm 127:1-2

1Unless the Lord builds the house,

the builders labor in vain.

Unless the Lord watches over the city,

the guards stand watch in vain.

2In vain you rise early

and stay up late,

toiling for food to eat—

for he grants sleep to ^a those he loves.

If my kids were going to starve or suffer from me resting, I would have to push through. But reality is that they are just watching more screens while I recover. And that is Ok. That is better than Ok.  That is good, for me to rest when I need to.