Anxiety

 I've battled anxiety for as long as I can remember. Like, literally, when I was 4 years old I was anxious.

Now why this is true is not clear.  Every kid has challenges in their early life and I was no exception, of course.  I am inclined to think that my anxiety is a mix of life experiences and brain dysfunction.

The latter sounds pretty intimidating!  Brain dysfunction!  :-)

Basically, my brain chemistry is off because my seratonin levels are a little low.  I spent many decades, starting in my mid 20's, working to manage my anxiety better.  I prayed, I worked through childhood struggles, I read the Bible, I asked God for healing.

Everything I did helped. God brought tremendous power into my life and there is no doubt I was far less anxious at age 40 than I was at age 25.

Having said all that, when some of our older kids starting dealing with depression and anxiety, we finally considered medicine.  It helped my kids so, when I was sure I was done having children (since I was nervous about taking meds while pregnant) I tried Lexapro, an anti anxiety medication.

It was incredible.  It was the missing piece.  Within a few weeks, my anxiety levels dropped to nearly zero. It was crazy in an awesome way.

Since then, I've been trucking along happily at 10 mg of Lexapro a day. There was one time when I tried dropping down to 5 mg and wow, I got whacked with anxiety.

Just in the last few weeks, my anxiety rose again.  It was really irritating.  Anxiety is hard to describe; in my case, it isn't necessarily fear of something bad happening. I did have that kind of anxiety when I was younger, but have managed to work through it pretty well.

Anxiety for me is like an itch under my skin. It says: you have so much to do, Laraba, and not enough time to do it. You are going to fail your husband, your kids, your God.  My eyes are constantly picking out things in the house that aren't in good shape. My brain is running through lists of things that should be done.

A week or so ago, I upped my Lexapro dose to 15 mg a day.  Now my anxiety is down again.

So why am I having trouble?  I think mostly it is life.  We are pretty busy right now; Kevin's job is intense, I have two kids taking college classes on line, kittens, dealing with medical appointments, etc.

The thing is, I am not as good a wife and mother when I am anxious. Part of being a good mother is being able to cope with kids wailing and crying and quarreling. When I am anxious, it is way harder to handle those things well.

So I am thankful for Lexapro.