This is going to sound like a non sequiter, but bear with me... I've enjoyed Kevin Leman's books on birth order for a long time. Leman has written several books about how the birth order in a family affects the personality and behavior of the children IN the family. That may sound like psychobabble, but I totally buy into it. The idea isn't that a baby in the womb automatically "knows" her birth order and that affects personality. It is all about the "environment" part of personality.
Leman's contention is that parents tend to treat their children differently based on birth order. For example, first borns are often high achievers, focused, and perfectionistic. This is because the parents spent a lot of time with the first baby, and they are also more focused on discipline with the eldest child. (There is a lot more to Leman's ideas, but that's a quick summary.)
The baby of a family, Leman claims, often gets LESS discipline. The baby also tends to be more of a "clown" because he or she is trying to get attention. After all, the bigger kids have already successfully completed potty training and reading and early math. What's a baby to do but be a spirited extrovert to get attention?
Leman also contends that there can be more than one "firstborn" in a family, which sounds counterintuitive. But, for example, parents will often treat the firstborn son like a firstborn even if he has an older sister or 2. Of course, there are ALWAYS exceptions. But I've found, in looking around, that many people I know fit into Leman's birth order ideas. I, for example, am a firstborn and am a classic high achiever, who longs for control and order.
Kevin also acts like a firstborn, and while he has an older sister, he is the firstborn son. He also grew up in a family where he had to take on some unusual responsibilities at a young age.
Angela is interesting to me from a birth order perspective. She was born right after our first miscarriage, and was followed by 3 more miscarriages. At one point, Kevin and I were quite sure she would be the youngest in the family. Then, of course, we had 2 more living blessings from the Lord. Angela is 3+ years older than Sarah, whereas all the other births are about 18 months apart from the next child.
I've been thinking about how I treat Angela and...I expect a lot from her. Since she is much older than Sarah, I expect her to act more like Miriam than perhaps is fair. She is only 5 and a half, and Miriam just turned 7. When Angela forgets to complete a task, I tend to assume it is deliberate. I think if she WAS the youngest in the family, I'd cut her more slack. So it is helpful for me to think through all this and adjust my expectations accordingly. Angela is a very sweet girl but yes, occasionally scatterbrained about doing things. I need to remember she is still VERY young. It is reasonable for her to struggle with being organized. It is right to give her grace while also training her to do necessary chores.
I'm also reminded that I need to expect appropriate things from the true babies of the family. Daniel is, of course, way too little to help with anything. He isn't crawling yet. But Sarah is 2 and CAN pick up toys and do little chores, but I've not started doing that much with her. I need to. I guess my goal is to not push my "firstborns" TOO much, and not be lazy about training and disciplining the young ones.
May God give me wisdom, grace, perserverance, and strength.
No comments:
Post a Comment