I've always been a very goal oriented person. I like accomplishing tasks. I think that is one reason why I did so well academically -- there were specific tasks, with specific end points. I could work hard and study and be DONE.
That goal oriented perspective carried over into my mothering, not surprisingly. I think with my first few kids, I had more time and spent more time sitting on a couch reading and cuddling. I think. It's been a while.
But lately I've felt very busy, and with housework and cooking and homeschooling, finding time to just hang and cuddle with the little ones has been difficult. Because it doesn't feel particularly productive.
BUT, the Lord has shown me that time to cuddle with my young ones is a vitally important part of our lives. Ever since I went on Lexapro, I've been more relaxed about "tasks" and I'm noticing more opportunities to just hang out with the children. So, when Rose comes up to me while I'm grading papers, I'm better able to set aside the papers and hold her for 20 seconds. That's about the limit for her, as she is then off on new adventures. Sarah and Daniel are also coming to me, desiring a lap and a cuddle, or wanting to show me some little project they are working on. And I'm accommodating.
I read a truly wonderful post this week about depression medication. I so wish I'd saved the link, but I didn't. The author is a Christian man who went on an anti depressant a few years ago. He said that it really changed him. He felt badly about that at some level, that a drug could actually make him a better human being. But the reality was that when on the drug, he was able to sleep better and not berate himself for constant mistakes. He was able to be more patient with his family and people around him.
I feel like Lexapro has definitely changed me for the better. I have been anxious for a very long time, to the point that it felt normal. Well, it wasn't normal.
One interesting point is that I could have presumably gone on Lexapro 20 years ago (or an equivalent) and saved myself decades of anxiety. But I'm glad I didn't. Lexapro and some anti depressants are supposed to be safe in early pregnancy, but I would not have felt safe taking those drugs during the first trimester. And I was pregnant 13 times in the last 17 years (4 pregnancies ended in miscarriage.) So you know, this is for the best. I was a fully functional human being during those years. I don't NEED the meds, though I certainly am enjoying life with less anxiety.
Christians certainly have different views on medication; my view is that meds can be an important piece of the puzzle, along with prayer, working through emotional problems, lifestyle changes, and so on.
The older I get, the more I see that while some things are black and white, others are not. It is easy to think there is "one answer" to a problem, but many problems have multiple facets and need to be approached from several directions. My anxiety is a good example. Partly it is my melancholy, first born, compulsive personality that it is at fault. But part of it apparently brain chemistry. I'm thankful for Lexapro.
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